Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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