Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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