My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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