I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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