Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
