Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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