There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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