Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
