I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
