i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
