if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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