I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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