I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
