god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
