you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
