I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I don't deserve a penis
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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