My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
