It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
