I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
