Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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