He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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