fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
