I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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