90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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