So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
