Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
