Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
