please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
