I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
