she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize