did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
