when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
