my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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