She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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