Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
