I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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