i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
