what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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