have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
