Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you win again, gameday.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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