mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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