I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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