I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I am one with the molecules
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
