I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
