I smell stomach acid.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
