All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
