who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Life is so much better after having sex.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
