He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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