I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
