My hair reeks of homosexuality.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
